Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Warning, Contains Nudity


I have a problem with faith – well, fanaticism - when it's manifested at the expense of intellect. The two may very well be mutually exclusive.

I think for the most part humans follow a code of live and let live. It’s when this code is violated that folks start to get ornery. Unless you’re trading a cup of cream for a bag of crabapples or forming a block watch community, there’s no real reason to go and fuck with your neighbour, hence, occupation -> convoy bombing. But people get especially riled up when it comes to matters of faith. That includes messing with the way god-fearing people believe the way their future will unfold. Imagine being entitled to such a thing!

Lately, the religious ranks, including the laic, have been coming out of the woodwork with a very concerned collective voice. So what’s gotten them so agitated? Who violated the code first?

The scientific community, of course, who are mere weeks away from switching on their biggest and, some say, most irresponsible toy to date. The Large Hadron Collider is the world’s largest particle accelerator and is built in a 27 km circumference underground at the Franco-Swiss border. It is intended to smash together beams of protons at nearly the speed of light and have a multitude of readings and pictures taken of those collisions. It is expected to recreate on, a sub-microscopic scale, conditions that may have existed only a few nanoseconds after the big bang. A universe baby photo, if you will. Scientists are also hoping to create the first observable circumstance of the Higgs boson particle which is theorized to give otherwise massless elementary particles their mass, given that particles are made up of smaller particles which are made up of smaller particles, etc., which are made up in the end of only energy. It should be noted that the Higgs boson particle is also known as the “God particle”.

And the fear has been rolling in. Cowering troglodytes have been ringing in with their two cents ever since the machine’s completion. Everything from saying "leave well enough alone" to the rehashing of Nostradamus’ doomsday prophecies to detailed video animations depicting exactly how, get this, the earth will get sucked into a black whole created by the LHC. (Apparently fanaticism and computer graphics animation are not mutually exclusive.) I especially enjoy those diatribes that, claiming science is doing nothing but hurtling humanity towards its own destruction, are themselves based on science, albeit erroneous. Some simply ask the scientific community how we are going to be fundamentally better off by knowing just a little bit more about the universe, sounding like a plea to turn off the scary bright light of the future. Others appear to think we’ve tinkered under the hood to create a 6th gear in a car for which there is not enough safe road – and everyone is in the back seat. Perhaps hanging a rosary from the rearview mirror would help. At any rate, every argument seems to come from deeper within the holy cave.

Godspeak from small children is tolerable because they’re cute, and at their age it’s understood they’ve not stood a chance against the imposition of fully subscribed parents. Growth-stunting, back woods, paranoid propaganda is dumbfounding, however, from adults, especially ones who hold teaching and political positions.

So why the armageddon attitude? Is it simply a fear of dying? I can certainly understand that. But then why bathe it in religious rhetoric? Are there Christian soldiers out there who are not ready to be judged by their maker? Or is there something they don’t want the world to learn, like Creation may be nothing more than a cool story with nudity, for instance? One thing seems to be certain, every religious doomsday alarmist is grossly under-informed about the function and capabilities of the LHC, to say nothing of the nonsensical theories they purport. So I ask, why must fanaticism come at the expense of intellect?

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Olympic Highlights

Watching olympics is more fun when drinking with family than when not.

Regarding the American gymnastics team:
"All big legs and no tits."
"Oh wait, that one has tits."
"They're sewn in as part of her uniform."

Regarding the diminutive Chinese gymnast:
"She looks like she's 4 years old."
"No. She's just small, she's actually 30."
The next Chinese gymnast appears and on the heals of joking about the Michelle/Jodi/Marv's Karen tradition of having kids as a pre-teen (during which Marv called them "sluts"),
"Here's her granddaughter."

In the swimming event a graphic appears over each swimmer's lane with their flag and name. The graphic disappears as the swimmers launch in to the pool.
"How do they pull back that tarp so quick?"

Then an ad ran for a show called "Stump the Schwab" featuring regular think-they-know-it-all sports buffs who go against a guy with an eerily encyclopedic knowledge of all things sports.
Uncle Mark: "I think I'd rather schwab the stump!"

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I now pronounce you man and wife

Every now and then some lazy genius gets sick of doing two separate things at two separate times and marries two pieces of technology. We all remember the guy who got sick of having to lift his arm to check his watch while writing and so stuck a clock in his pen. Or the guy who got sick of having to put down his beer to high five his buddies and so taped them to his head with straws. The other night I downloaded the last season of Sex And The City, converted it to 3g2 portable video format, dragged all the episodes onto my SDmicro card (which acts like a flash drive when connected to the computer) and put the card in my phone. Now Lindsey can watch the last season of SATC at work on my mini TV so she can get caught up and we can finally watch the movie.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Soup-de-mois


In July I may have set an unprovable and unmatchable record of eating hot & sour soup for lunch for 16 business days in a row. I wonder if the Chinese even do that.

Evolutionary leftovers


Vestigial organs are leftovers from a previous era and represent functions that were once necessary for survival. Over time, those functions become nonexistent and the organs atrophy. Sometimes, to prevent complications, these anatomical relics must be removed. Which is why, at some point, every city should go under the knife and have its crosswalk buttons and elevator ashtrays cut out.

Tela Rutilus

Well it’s been said by many people that Saskatoon, with a population of 2.06 X 105, is the biggest small town in the world. The citizens here form a familiar, tightly woven, plasmatic network. Where have we seen it before? That’s right, say it with me – in the sun’s core. The attraction to this place causes these friendly hydrogen and helium folks to group, split apart, interact and shine, which actually is the attraction.

When Brain arrived in town for her week here she hadn’t even left the airport before Joe happened to pull the bus over and say hello. After splitting off that night, many atoms grouped together to shine the following night at the celebration. Last week my temporary officemate turned around and, after having contemplated my last name, told me he was married to Mary Jane’s sister and already knew that Michael was coming to town. Different atoms will group together and shine for the mini-reunion next week.

Monday, July 7, 2008

My Dumplings

A cookie keeps track of my recent Google searches. Here are some of them. Some names have been removed to protect the Google-stalked.

Acronymize
airport codes
c7 rifle
call it ritual wolf
drank a carboy
change convert gif to jpg
China beichuan
china earthquake
coma
countermeasured
cr6 1a4,exe
cubicle happy office network
dark populace
deep fryer
eephus pitch
eielson afb
esse est percipi
excel bold formula
facebook proxy
feel like stretching all the time
flash cheat engine
front series
funny motivational posters
gaim
grover's mill NJ
heart's content
Hoegaarden brewery
homer crazy floor spin
hoplite
html code strikethrough
indextrous
jabber
kajiji
keith haring
Kristen Hager
latin phrases
lyrics if you be happy for the rest of your life never make a pretty woman
slippers and a bath robe
mafiacoders
mami
marvin o’gravel balloon face
men with brooms
mlb 2K8 batting
moon river saskatchewan
mosquitoes Iisterine
online arcade
productivity
proletariat
proof positive
radiusim
remap keyboard
run from zombies
russian english spelling
safeway isle map
show desktop button
sophistry
spanish english dictionary
Tangjiashan china
The Coathangers Parking Lot
twitch city
Ursula Lidstrom
vancouver canucks death
vicious circle band
vtunnel
wage
war of the worlds
wax
web 2,0
whining
xeno tactic hints
youtube deep fry coke

Funny how “productivity” is right after “online arcade”.