Recently my company was taken over by a huge, global corporation. Part of the integration process is the reeducation of employees on some basic company principles, the company Code of Conduct and Ethics, for example. Nowadays, this is an interactive instructional video conveniently viewed at your desk. Although I kinda miss the old days of getting time off work to crowd into a room and snickering with your buddies at third rate reenactments on VHS.
It occurred to me watching this production that something odd happens to common sense when you try to teach it to large groups of people, it appears far less common. A lower denominator has to be found and the material dumbed down to a level that will surely be understood by absolutely every employee. After all, it is fundamental to human nature that we are dumber, more scared, more alarmist, more violent and less accepting in groups than we are as individuals, which explains the approach of this code of conduct production: they try to preserve, and appeal to, the individual.
What’s also palatable is an eerie Big Brother/McCarthyism tone to the videos with one “reenactor” usually the proponent of some vaguely unlawful activity and the other unsure of the consequences.
Here are some helpful hints to be ethical employees:
- Keep it very, very simple, dumbass. (Quote: “If you are unsure of any particular point or issue in the code of conduct, the good news is you don’t have to know! Just contact your manager.” Thank Christ, fumbling around in this ethical grey area was killing me. It's nice to know I can go and see that fat ass in the corner office who they made an ethical oracle.)
- Don’t even bother interacting with anyone else for fear of saying or doing something offensive.
- Dutifully rat out your friends.
- Lay down for the witch hunt.
Examples of quiz questions:
1. Doug made an investment in a company that his firm eventually acquired. His decision to invest was based not on any specific information, but on clues he pieced together. He believed his clever detective work was different from insider trading. Is Doug breaking the law if he plays his hunch and buys options on shares of said company’s stock?
a) No. Doug’s ignorance will set him free.
b) Doug will get to keep what he’s earned because he was resourceful and proactive.
c) Doug will get roasted and rendered destitute because no one ever told him what insider trading was.
2. Louis is always telling jokes and stories of chick’s bazangas. Unfortunately, some of his work colleagues don't always appreciate them. He believes he is bringing humour to the office, and continues telling jokes and stories even when coworkers have objected. What does this demonstrate?
a) There’s one in every office.
b) Louis was never accepted by his peers as a child and adolescent. He tries too hard to fit in and, as a result, comes across as a jerk. He doesn’t have a clue.
c) Louis wouldn’t piss down his coworkers’ necks if their guts were on fire.
d) Come on, good old Louis is just trying to make the work day a little less stressful.
3. Rival consultants Jerry and Larry run into one another in a hotel lobby. Jerry is proposing to Larry that their two companies save themselves time and expense by not competing aggressively for business with one another's core clients. Is his suggestion appropriate? Why or why not?
a) Hell yeah. They can run up their prices and use the profits to spend more time on the golf course together.
b) What’s the difference? They were just talking.
c) No. Jerry's suggestion, informal or not, could be seen as an attempt to allocate customers. Larry should stop talking, back slowly out of the room while locked in nervous eye contact with Jerry.
d) In case of eavesdropping, Jerry should spare Larry any legal persecution and steer the conversation towards bumblebees or car racing.
e) Jerry should shout, “You’re goin’ down, motherfucker!” and run away while dialing the police on his cell phone.
4. Outside of work, Eric is a volunteer. Today, Eric had to redesign a charity flyer on his work computer and, at the end of the day, he printed hundreds of copies which broke the printer, preventing Susie from printing her important report. How did Eric misuse company resources?
a) Come on, lay off. Eric volunteers with kids!
b) Eric is the slowest flyer designer I’ve ever seen and that printer was bloody cheap, it otherwise wouldn’t have been a problem.
c) Really, Eric doesn’t do any work anyway. He was hired because he has a degree and the other applicant didn’t. Every company has some dead weight. It will be easy to cut him loose.
d) Fuck Susie anyway.
5. When a business partner (and a pretty one, in the video) drops by Nigel’s office to offer him a hard-to-find item as a gift, he has a decision to make. What is the purpose of the gift? The gift is not being offered in the context of a business opportunity, rather it is being presented as a harmless gesture of thanks. Should Nigel accept the gift?
a) Why not? His kid would love it.
b) Nigel doesn’t want to feel obligated by accepting the gift and should consider other ways in which she could thank him. He should ask her to go over and close and lock his office door.
c) Nigel should terminate all dealings between their businesses and have her escorted out. The police will be waiting downstairs.
Submit your answers for reeducation. Correct answers will be given next week.
I know what you’re like, I’m that way too. It’s hard to talk about yourself/sell yourself without getting an ill feeling. It’s like, I hate putting on this fucking smiley smiley fake up whore face. But it is a skill I learned having to go and find another job so many times – to be the bright smiling, gushing whore so that a company will like you. Scraping out 
pumpkin guts probably once gave you the same icky feeling but now you rip them out with a purpose. To fake the appearance of genuine interest and enthusiasm is tough for simple, honest people but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing to learn. What we want to say is usually what we should never say during an interview, “Look, you need me, I need the cheque. Let’s wrap this up.”
My olympic hair.
Gained a little weight there in '98.